Balance. A word that makes me stop and think. A word that always follows me around, as a reminder of the importance of not overdoing something.
I am a person who is easily lost in thought. I have a strong connection with my feelings and inner self. I very carefully nurture my inner world because that´s where I find my inspiration to create, that´s what gives me meaning. I want it to be that way. I´ve always been very creative and I´ve often given myself the time that I need to create. As a child I would sit alone at my room to write poems and draw. As a teenager I spent most of my time in front of the piano, or my computer, where I would create computer games or animate little movies. It´s a fact that I am very much in need of my own room, where I can be creative and feel calm. But this need to create can sometimes take over.
As I found my passion in photography, I also found myself without control. I could sit 14 hours without a break in front of my computer, editing one single photograph. My brain would constantly be thinking about different ideas for new pictures, and I would feel very bad if I didn´t photograph a new concept almost every day. As an artist, you can never do too much. This was something that I recently found out. I found myself being stressful all the time, always feeling that I wasn´t creating enough, or that I wasn´t reaching out enough with my work, that I should try harder and harder to get my work out there.
This summer was crazy. I got a photography job that turned out to be much more demanding than I thought when I first accepted it, and it didn´t turn out as I would have wished for. I´m still trying to rest from this experience (I promise to write a big post about it later on!) and I´m thinking a lot about my future right now, and about balance! With this kind of work, where you use your creativity and photographic skills, you can easily loose your balance. I know that many artists sacrifice a lot in order to be able to pursue a carreer as a professional artist. To be an artist is so demanding. Often you don´t get paid for the actual job that you´re putting into it, and your future is constantly unsecure, if you don´t get hired anywhere. I´ve been thinking for a couple of years now that I´m willing to sacrifice a lot. That I´m willing to live out of almost nothing, that I never need to buy anything, that I can cook cheap food. That I can live small, that I don´t need to travel. Only if I can live my dream. Only if I can live my dream as an artist, doing what I love.
It´s nothing wrong with the goal of fulfilling your dream, which is something that I think is very important. I never want to be a person who looks back and feels sad for all the things that I didnt´t do. But I´m starting to wonder if my goal (to be able to work on my own with my photographic art and support myself from my business) is really worth that much. To reach my goal of supporting myself off my art, I will have to work so hard. I will have to sacrifice many things, and I will have to ignore the fact that I´m constantly stressed about the future. So I´m starting to wonder: is it worth it?
I have absolutely no plan to quit photographing and creating. My art is so important to me, it´s something that I´m always thinking about and something that makes me feel whole and fulfilled as a person. But I´m starting to realize that I need balance, and that I can´t just do what I love, because that will in the end lead me to a point where I no longer love doing it, I´m afraid.
When I found my dream I just wanted to run for it, and I did! I´ve been running towards my dream for years now. My dream has been to create my own business, to constantly grow as an artist, to reach out to people and give them something valuable, to create art that is unique, to develop a style of my own. To be an awesome artist and photographer! And I still love that dream, I do! But I don´t know if it´s worth the running. Maybe I can slow down. Maybe I can walk towards my goal, instead of running towards it. I know that some people find their passion, set up a goal, and then goes for it so fast that they become sick and has to quit. You can always work more. You can never do too much, especially when it´s about your own business and your whole future. But you can hurt yourself if you don´t feel your own boundaries, if you don´t listen to what you need. I need to follow my dream, but I also need to feel calm and happy along the way. Remember that it´s not worth it if you´re not happy. I don´t care how fast the world i spinning, or how fast everybody else is running, I´m going to slow down, and have a look at the beautiful world around me as I´m walking.
(All the photos are just random photos of me, eating, drinking coffee or smiling :) )